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why is everyone pregnant and what am i doing wrong?
Feb. 18th, 2009 | 03:01 pm
mood: 
disappointed
why the fuck is everyone pregnant? lara is pregnant. I cant believe it!!! and i cant even get a freaking good guy... ken was great..except he told me he wanted to take me to my room and abuse me. asshole. i just am in shock really. so much shit is going on with me and i dont knw what to do about it. im going to therapy..which sux, but i feel i have to. i have a problem and i dont like to admit it. i cant eat and when i do ...well you can finish the rest. ive lost 15 pounds in a month and i duno what to do. people are starting to notice that ive lost weight. i dont want to be judged by this. im out of control and tired and pissed.
im just not in a mood to deal with people or anything for that matter. im failing my classes right now...im just a mess...and all i have is my teacher to talk to. kill me. i feel like a loser.
class time.
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kill me now!
Oct. 27th, 2008 | 06:44 pm
location: room
mood: depressed
what should i do? i really truly give up. noah's 12th birthday was on saturday. i had to leave school at 6am to be home by 7am. i stayed up partying til 4am, so i felt great. my mom worked that day and david had political convasing all morning. it was fucking noah's birthday! he's never had a birthday party! isnt that just disgusting? even i had a few. bullshit. plus lila (our new sitter) left for new york that morning at 5am and candice has been in new york for like a few weeks now. she left earlier to go there because her bf's grandpa died. well she was supposed to come back but now isnt. what the fuck??? she isnt saying good bye to my parents or noah. poor fucking noah. its bullshit. so i now have to pick her up on wednesday when im done with class, then bring her home then come back to school for dance and then drive home again. then thursday morning i have to bring her to the airport early because i have class at 830. im so pissed.
then on the weekend i went to the aofh party and teke party. well, every one but me had someone either dance with them or tell them they are hot/ beautiful. the guy i REALLY like danced with me til his gross girlfriend showed up. ew. what am i doing wrong? at the parties if you were super skinny or even huge had a dance partner, but since im in the middle i got nothing. i duno what the hell im doing wrong. im ready for a boyfriend, im fucking putting myself out there..and for what? nothing. just being ashamed of myself as usual. im doing terrible in school and as soon as candice leaves i think i will have a breakdown. the kids will deff. be here extremely soon. i duno what to do. i need someone to care. i just cant tell people how i feel. ive been screwed over too many times when i have. is it hard to just get a hug from someone you care about? i want to talk to someone, but i know that no one cares or ever will.
im just so alone now and there's nothing i can do about it. i fucking hate living in this house but i cant go back to farmington hills. i have no home. i hate it. whenever i actually go home, i end up crying or being so angry i do something stupid. i dont know what to do. i cant get out of my situation, especially for noah. i need someone to tell me its going to be ok. but it wont.
i was so happy when tracey got rid of ronny for me. now i kinda want him back. i know he's bad for me and mentally and sexually abusive, but he was always there for me. im just so sad. im not depressed, please. i dont knw what i should i do. i just wish i wasnt born. no joke.
im so done with life and everything along with it. im just not happy.
i wish i could just fix everything.
